The Great Pudding Downpour of '98
by TeamVampire
Summary: AU, AM. Two shot prequel to The Pensioner of Azkaban. The arrival of a new inmate - erm, retiree - at Azkaban is always cause for excitement among its residents, but when Sirius Black moves in, James Potter's world takes a bizarre turn.


**After some prompting from JulyPie, I found I just had to write this. Makes more sense if you've read Harry Potter and the Pensioner of Azkaban (or what I've done on it so far, anyway).**

**Disclaimer: If I owned Harry Potter, I wouldn't be giving the characters such outrageous personalities as I am now. It is entertaining, though.**

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The Great Pudding Downpour of '98

Part 1

James Potter was bored.

To the rest of the patients and staff at the retirement home of Azkaban, this was the norm. James was not unpopular, but he tended to be a tad arrogant and hard to put up with. As such, he had no close friends, besides his ex-wife, Lily Evans, but she was just as difficult to be around as James was. There was Remus Lupin, of course, but James could only take so much of the trashy romance novels that seemed to be the only kind the library stocked, and the kind that Remus was so oddly fond of.

So, tired of cheesy love stories and trivial gossip, James had spent the morning sitting in the hallway outside reception, hoping for a visit from his son, or at least an announcement that the lunch ladies would be serving something other than the stomach-turning banana pudding they apparently had in endless supply. Anything to make his day more bearable.

Just as he was considering seeking out Remus and his corny books, James was astounded to see the man coming his way, followed closely by none other than Lily.

"James, there you are! We've been looking everywhere for you," Remus claimed, looking uncharacteristically excited. Almost as uncharacteristically excited as he would be if an incompetent teenage girl of a writer was attempting to use him to progress the plot without paying any attention to keeping him in character. But not quite that much.

"You'll never guess what we just heard from Rodolphus Lestrange!" said Lily, practically jumping up and down in anticipation. She only refrained from doing so out of concern for her hip; her doctor had warned her not to overwork it.

James scrutinized Lily's expression for a moment, then Remus's, before voicing his deduction. "Due to a scandal involving Sturgis Podmore, Arabella Figg is moving to Puerto Rico, resulting in a mass give-away of her collection of romance novels?" It was the only thing that fit.

Remus stared for a moment, while Lily let out an oddly youthful giggle that raised the hairs on the back of James's neck. "Oh, James! You and your little jokes! Anyway, I was just telling Rodolphus about Harry's young Albus when he mentioned Bellatrix's cousin would be arriving here soon! Can you imagine? Why, I haven't had anyone new to talk to in months! What do you suppose he's like? Oh, this will be so wonderful! Let's just hope he's not as much of a disappointment as Alastor Moody was when he first arrived. Such a boring man, always rambling on about those old war stories. He reminds me a lot of..."

During Lily's nonstop chatter, something she had said began to sink into James's mind. "Bellatrix's cousin is coming here?" he asked Remus, ignoring Lily entirely.

Remus nodded. "Today, I think he said. I haven't gotten that new hearing aid yet, so it was either 'he's coming today' or 'he's in a new play'. I wouldn't mind seeing that play, though..." He trailed off thoughtfully.

James rubbed his stubbly chin. A new retiree? Perhaps someone he could talk to, be friends with. Then he wouldn't have to spend his days in a state of endless boredom. Even better, he wouldn't have to resort to conversing with Lily, who was still prattling on.

"... and so then I told Molly that if she _really _didn't want to meet me for dinner, I'd happily find someone else to go with, just so long as she stopped pretending to have broken her leg. Mary MacDonald had seen her just an hour before, for heaven's sake! Speaking of Mary, I heard her son has..."

Yes, this was definitely a good thing, provided Bellatrix's cousin wasn't as insane as she was.

Conveniently, the door to reception opened at that moment, interrupting Lily and revealing a nurse who was rather forcibly leading a senior by the arm. The man had shaggy, grey hair that hung slightly above his shoulders and a decidedly sour expression, much like a petulant child. An extremely wrinkled, petulant child.

The nurse glanced around at them, first at James, then Lily, before quickly moving onto Remus. "Mr Lupin! Thank goodness you're here. Would you mind taking Mr Black to his room? It's 4H, just across from Mr and Mrs Lestrange's."

"Certainly," responded Remus, looking a bit surprised as the nurse practically slammed the door after shoving Mr Black through.

Mr Black pulled a face at the closed door and turned around to look at Remus, a boyish grin distorting his features and causing him to look like a decrepit Jim Carrey. "Sirius Black," he said, holding out his hand.

"Remus Lupin,"said Remus, shaking Sirius's extended hand while eyeing him warily.

This didn't seem to worry Sirius unduly, for he just kept smiling. "Those Dementors are a right bunch of wet blankets, aren't they? That one that brought me in, especially. Seemed to think my joke about the lobster and the seaweed was 'immature'."

"Dementors?" questioned James, drawing Sirius's attention as he stood. Now, James was by no means a gullible man, but he, like every senior, had received his fair share of falls, which were particularly damaging to his head. Combined with the very slight paranoia that came with the God complex he had maintained for the majority of his life, he was ready to believe that _something_ was out to get him.

"You know, Dementors. Those heartless fiends that guard this loathsome place," explained Sirius, clutching at James's shirt dramatically. "Just being around them makes me feel like they're draining me of my happiness. Don't get too close to them! I hear they suck out your soul by _Kissing_ you."

James's eyes widened. "My soul?"

Sirius nodded with a knowledgeable gleam in his eye and leaned in conspiratorially, speaking in what would be considered hushed tones, had he lowered his voice. As he did not, it merely sounded like he was suffering from a mild case of laryngitis. "Before I was moved from my last home, there was this one man. Never said a word. Just sat in his room, all day. The rumours were that he used to talk, but then one day he just stopped. Wouldn't leave his room, even for meals. Nobody knew why. Nobody... except me." Sirius paused for effect. "He'd been Kissed."

"Wow," James mouthed, seeming at a loss for words, which was highly unusual for the man who had dubbed himself "Best Looking Retiree" (much to Lily's irritation).

"Wait a minute," said the "Second Best Looking Retiree". "Why were you moved?"

Sirius looked vaguely annoyed at being forced to shift his attention from staring at James in a way not unlike how a deranged person might stare at someone as they inform them that soul-sucking monsters are indeed real, and are, in actuality, the very people the aforementioned someone relies on to survive. In fact, it was exactly like that.

Releasing James's shirt and allowing him to take a hasty step away, Sirius turned his head to Lily with an exaggerated sigh, rolling his eyes dramatically, before pasting what was clearly supposed to be a charming grin on his face which no one with an ounce of self-respect could possibly fall for. Needless to say, James and Remus saw straight through it. Lily, on the other hand, was now coloured a very deep pink, although it wasn't so much due to blushing as it was the compact mirror and rouge she had suddenly become preoccupied with.

"I'm sorry," said Sirius, neatly sidestepping the enquiry. "I didn't catch your name, Mrs...?"

"Evans," Lily said quickly. "Lily Evans. And it's Ms now, actually."

Sirius raised his eyebrows in feigned surprise. "Really? I find it hard to believe that an attractive woman such as yourself would be single."

Despite her best efforts, Lily couldn't quite manage to make the suppression of her pleased smile seem genuine. "Yes, well, my husband and I divorced a few years ago."

"I'm sure he's regretting that now."

James, feeling distinctly uncomfortable, decided that it was a good time to introduce himself. He coughed lightly – or as lightly as someone with asthma can cough – to get their attention. "I'm James Potter, by the way."

Sirius paused for a moment, his overgrown brow furrowing as he once again directed his gaze toward James, who was now wondering if perhaps he would have been better off if this peculiar man didn't know his name.

"I know you," spoke Sirius thoughtfully.

"Well, you were explaining Dementors to me not five minutes ago," James reminded him with a sidelong glance at Remus, who simply shrugged in confusion.

Sirius waved his arm dismissively. "No, no, that's not it." The three Azkaban veterans stood about in silence for a few minutes (which was especially difficult for Lily) while Sirius pondered his familiarity with James, tapping his chin quite deliberately.

"I've got it!" exclaimed Sirius, his fingers scraping drily as he attempted to snap them. "You went to my high school!"

James stared for a moment, almost appraisingly, as though he were considering the possibility. "Erm... no, I don't think so." After all, no one who met Sirius Black could ever forget him. They'd be hard put to even stop the nightmares.

But Sirius was not so easily deterred. Rather than lose heart, he seemed more excited than Remus did while reading an exceptionally ludicrous romance novel. But without the sighs of contentment. "Of course you did! It's all coming back to me now. I remember when you fell asleep during lunch and your fork got stuck in your right cheek! We all called you Prongs after that, 'cause of the little scars you had!"

"You're definitely thinking of somebody else," James assured, rubbing the side of his face and trying to will away the image.

"Oh, don't be stupid, Prongs! Now give us a look at your cheek," demanded Sirius, reaching a hand out to James.

James ducked the grasping fingers. "There's nothing there!"

Remus cleared his throat, holding Sirius's arm away from James's face. "Maybe we should show you to your room, Mr Black."

"Please," said Sirius, his mood quickly switching to good natured, "call me Sirius. Mr Black is my mother."

There was an awkward silence as his three acquaintances tried to think of a subject change, however their minds had become curiously blank, as is usually the case in awkward situations. Finally, Remus said in desperation, "What was that you were saying about Dementors?"

Oblivious to his companions' discomfort, Sirius accepted the shift of topic with enthusiasm, the sort one might have while discussing an upcoming vacation or their plans for an attack on some generic evil creatures. "Yes, the Dementors. Something needs to be done about them. They can't be allowed to oppress us any longer! Brothers -"

Lily coughed.

"- and female, will you join me in my quest to release our fellows from their shackles? To give them freedom and joy! To uphold justice and truth! To maintain fairness and equality in our society! To end this imprisonment!" Sirius gazed at each of them, heaving deep breaths. "Well?"

As Sirius eyes met his, James felt a sense of empowerment welling up inside of him, until something, something that had been holding him back for so long without his knowledge, snapped.

"I'm in!" yelled James. "I'm through with being told when to eat, when to sleep, when to take my anger medication! Let's kill those damned Dementors!"

"Me too!" Lily concurred. "I want to be able to eat my honey-roasted peanuts without a, er, Dementor warning me about my false teeth!"

Remus shook his head, wishing he'd never even mentioned them in the first place. "All right," he agreed with a sigh. "I'll help."

"Excellent," said Sirius. "I knew I could count on you. Watch out, world, the Marauders are on the loose! Now we just need to figure out the time and place, then we can get started with the planning. Those Dementors won't know what hit them!"

"Er, well... there is always – I mean," Remus began, lifting his hand hesitantly as though seeking permission to put forth his suggestion, still unsure as to whether he really wanted to involve himself with someone so obviously unstable, not to mention seriously lacking in basic personal hygiene skills. "The monthly games evening is on tonight in the rec hall."

"That's perfect!" exclaimed Sirius, catching Remus off guard with a high five to his raised hand. "Nice one, Moony!"

Remus opened his mouth to question the nickname, but thought better of it and stayed silent. After all, that high five had felt extremely gratifying.

"The monthly games evening will be the perfect opportunity to strike. Now then, time to devise our scheme. But not here," said Sirius, hastily resuming the role of shifty conspirator, with his shoulders hunched and head bent, and motioning for them to follow his example. "The Dementors have eyes and ears everywhere, even if they _are_ blind. We'd better go find Wormtail before he decides to join them. I don't trust that rat; he'd do anything for a bit of power." With that, he took Remus and Lily by the upper arms and proceeded to drag them down the hallway.

Having for the most part recovered from his earlier explosion and now much more rational, James couldn't help but shake his head in confusion – or, at least, more confusion than usual – as he stared after Sirius's retreating form. When he'd wished for a way to alleviate his boredom, this wasn't what he'd had in mind. He certainly hadn't expected anything so unconventional.

"Come on, Prongs!" called Sirius over his shoulder, noticing that James wasn't following. "We have to hurry if we want to stop those confounded Dementors and end their reign of soul-sucking terror!"

_Then again, _thought James as he hobbled after his new friend,_ convention is so overrated._

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**Second half is forthcoming. I estimate half a year, but that's just me being optimistic.**

**Again, I wrote this because of JulyPie, so you should go check out her stories. They're really funny and clever.**

**And review! I worked on this for months. Not solidly, obviously, but there was a lot of brainstorming, editing and general perfecting involved.**

**Formatting fixed 8th of December, 2012. Also, "half a year". Hehehe. In all seriousness, it's nearly complete and may actually be posted sometime in the next few weeks. We'll see.**

**-TeamVampire**


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